Inspired by Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
By Lee Hickum
The sewers of New York City. Leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo, Rafael and the new all-inclusive addition Vagina McFeminism are all hanging out eating some delicious slices of Ray’s Pizza Pies. No, not that Ray’s. Or that one. Yes, that Ray’s. The absolute best in the city. They’re talking about pizza, kung Fu, skateboarding and even a fourth thing. Then Master Splinter, their father in all senses of the word, comes into the room where they’re all turtling it up.
“Hey! What’s going on here?” sternly asks Splinter.
The turtles all stare and take a gulp, worried about what Splinter will say.
Splinter stares, then finally starts laughing. “Got you! Anyway, hit me with a slice guys… Sorry, um gender neutral plural form of saying you guys. I got you Vagina.”
“Woah! Far out Splity! That’s so inclusive of you and I feel accepted in this group of males. I feel like I’m ‘one of the boys.’ I mean you guys all really understand how to be inclusive. And I’m not just saying that because I’m written by a man.”
“Alright Vagina, you’ve had your one line of dialogue, it’s time for the male turtles to talk,” says Leonardo.
Everyone laughs.
Then, a huge crash is heard at one of the drains leading into the sewer. And a low groan is heard after that. All the turtles and Splinter dart their eyes at the grate right as they hear the noise because of their ninja like skills. Well, not ninja like, they are ninjas, that was just stupid. Leonardo does a bunch of moves and makes noises in a way that is now considered extremely culturally insensitive and pulls out his sword. Donatello pulls out his stick and calculators? Michelangelo pulls out the crust of a slice of pie he ate, laughs, then pulls out nun chucks. Rafael moves his emo haircut out of his eyes and pulls out knives. Vagina, wearing one of those vagina hats that were all the rage and her “My Body. My Decision.” shirt, pulls out pink brass knuckles. Splinter causes the black plague then bows and takes his stick out.
“Talk about… uhh, draining am I right?” Michelangelo says.
“What?” asks Donatello.
“I don’t know, no one queued me up for that joke. But it’s all I had because like, the drain.”
“Enough! Who the heck is in there?” yells Rafael.
“Haha, funny guys. It’s your brother, Louie.”
The turtles and Splinter look at each other in confusion.
“Come on guys, let me out.”
Splinter gives Leonardo the signal to open the drain. Leonardo pulls a lever and a teenager in a giant turtle shell falls out along with a bunch of shit. Literal shit, they’re in a sewer guys, let’s be realistic. The kid stands up, holding his signature weapon, a baton. Louie is dressed to the nines as no kid has ever said. His shell is bedazzled, he has suspenders on and high socks and has rainbow colored hair. He stands with one hand on his hip and flips his hair in a head twirl.
“Sup bitches?” he asks the turtles and Splinter.
“Woah woah, this is a kids show/comic/movie, watch your gnarly language bra,” says Michelangelo.
“I don’t give a fuck about no kids. I’m just here to join the team. It’s where I belong,” dramatic edgy head turn, “It’s my birthright…”
“Hey, I’m the edgy one here pal!” Rafael starts to throw one of his knives, but gets Vagina blocked. Get it?
“If I’ve done my calculations correctly, you are in fact mathematically not the only one to be edgy here,” says Donatello.
“You guys calm down,” Leonardo raises his voice to calm his brothers. “Who are you?”
“The names Louie,” looks at Splinter, “Louie Baton.”
Splinter squints his eyes, clearly intrigued.
“Master Splinter is my father. Before he was turned into a rat, he was Splinter Baton.”
The turtles all gasp.
“That’s right, I’m his son. I’m the fifth Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle,” Louie clearly says this all as if it was supposed to be super dramatic.
“Actually I’m-” Vagina tries to respond but is cut off by Leonardo.
“I said one line of dialogue,” yells a toxically angry Leonardo.
Donatello clears his throat, “Actually Vagina McFeminism is the fifth turtle. Joined us recently.”
“Oh. Well, then I’m the sixth Teenage Mutant… Nin.. Ninja. Look! Point is I’m Splinters son, that’s the main focus point here. And I’m gay. And mixed race! And I’m joining the team.”
“Um, but like… you aren’t a turtle… or a ninja,” says Michelangelo.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” refuses Louie.
“Oh wow, uh Louie, son, it’s been… uhh, years, how are you?” Splinter says this all in a very weird way, clearly feigning the emotion, then slightly more serious, “How did you find me?” back to feigning, “I didn’t even know you were alive.” Splinter is all panicky and moving his hands around a lot. Look he clearly knew he was alive; he’s saving face if you don’t get it yet.
“Okay I’ll tell you how I found you and got here, but let’s not pretend you turned into a rat and somehow thought I was dead. You left my mom, then five years later you decided to become a rat. Okay?”
The turtles all make various disapproving groans and chime in with things like, “Wow you’re a deadbeat?” “Real classy.”
Splinter crosses his arms and rolls his eyes, “Alright, so I wasn’t the best dad always, how did you get here?”
“My story begins 16 long years ago… in the sand dunes of Pakistan. A slightly younger and more human form of the Master Splinter you all know, and love arrived in the small village where my mother came from. He was wounded from a battle with Shredder. The villagers turned a blind eye, but my mother let him in. Helped him, healed him. Then, consensually, he put his seed in her…”
“Eww,” said Michelangelo.
“Anyway, Splinter movers her back to New York, they get married, he sticks around till I’m about four. Then he splits like banana. Or SPLINTS like a banana, am I right? Okay so anyway I grow up without a father and life is tough as a half Pakistani, half whatever Asian the human form of Splinter should be according to the culture his character was inspired by. And on top of that, I’m gay. It’s hard stuff out there like that, especially without a father. So, I turned to the one thing I always cared about. Fashion. I learned to sew from my mom. Because you know, she was there for me,” Splinter rolls his eyes and Louie continues, “Look I got suuuuuper into fashion, like I’m glossing over a lot of hilarious comedic bits regarding the fashion industry probably based in parody of Devil wears Prada. Then, I saw you and the turtles on the news and my mom told me that it was you. So, I became a turtle. I moved like them, watched them and became one with my turtle brothers and sisters. And now, I’m here. To be the teams new fashion designer. How’s that?”
A dramatic pause. The turtles stare at Louie. Then, Leonardo, doing his best Josh from Drake and Josh impression, says, “Hug me brotha!”
They all hug and Splinter scoffs and then reluctantly joins the hug.
“Aw heck, welcome to the team Louie. The sixth Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle,” says Splinter. They all laugh and share a hug, including Vagina McFeminism.
The End
Fiendish Fan Fiction 