Inspired by M*A*S*H
By B
(Set post-Korean War)
“AHAHAHAH! ATTA BOY!”
“ALRIGHT, NOW LOOK, PAL! YA GOTTA AIM BETTER… WATCH UNCLE TRAPPER!”
Ali and Lila, both confused, threw on their coats, Ali bundling up a bit extra to accommodate her extra belly, and she stared as Lila shrugged.
“… Is Rosie napping?” Ali asked, Lila nodding.
“Yeah… Where’s Star?”
“Ben left her in here with me… so we could bake or something… or I could bring her out after you got Rosie to sleep… He has Scout…” Ali said, hearing another set of howled laughter… and a squeal of glee.
“HA! TOLD YOU THAT YOU COULD DO IT!”
“DADA! SCOUT DOES!”
“HEY, HEY! GOOD JOB, SCOUT!”
Ali blinked, then grabbed Amelia, bundling her up before heading out the door, her face pure confusion. “Lila…”
“Yeah…”
“That sounded like it came from my roof.”
“Yeah, it did.”
The three plodded through the thick snow, helping the toddler, who was happily crunching snow under her thick snow-boots… and Ali glanced up once they got around the side of the house… then stared, her jaw dropping.
“Ok, Scout… now… Watch! We’re gonna draw a circle!” Hawkeye laughed… his fly open but his body turned enough to block what they were doing… but the waterworks show that started up minutes later was enough of an indication as Trapper laughed, Scout clapping with glee.
“Dada! ‘GAIN!”
“Hang on, pal…” he said, sitting back on the roof with a snicker and zipping up his pants, grabbing a soda from Trapper with a grin. “I gotta refuel to be able to do that again…”
“Uncle Trapper can do it again, buddy… watch. Let’s see…” he muttered, unzipping his fly as Lila gasped, her eyes widening as she covered Amelia’s eyes. “We can do a heart. It’ll KINDA be a heart… I can’t aim from up here…” he said, aiming for the snow pile they’d been bulls-eyeing for about 30 minutes now and hitting it with a snicker as Hawkeye laughed, Scout laughing with a squeak.
“Uncle Trap! HA!”
As soon as he’d finished, he zipped up and sat… and Ali thought that was it, and she was about to let the idiots have it… but then Scout, in all his monkey-see, monkey-do glory… ripped his pants down in his little snowsuit… tore off his diaper, letting it hit the snow with a thud… and just… Let her rip. All off her roof… And where her rosebushes would be in the spring.
“ALI!” Lila hissed, gaping as Ali stared up, fuming. “…Those morons’re teaching your boy how to PISS off the ROOF!”
“I CAN SEE THAT!” Ali hissed, her eyes wide… and Amelia grinned, laughing.
“MAMA! Scout go potty!” she clapped as Ali sucked in a breath, watching as the toddler hopped up and down, fire-hose sprinkling the roof… the area where the plants would be… the patio area… all while Trapper and Hawkeye laughed their asses off, praising him…
She made sure Lila had Amelia… and she did, the woman smartly grabbing her other child and tugging her back… and Ali marched a few steps forward, her eyes flashing. “…HAVE YOU TWO IDIOTS LOST YOUR MINDS?!”
Both Hawkeye and Trapper jolted, slipping slightly, and Hawkeye grabbed Scout, who was still just happily hopping and wetting the snow-covered roof… and moments later, Hawkeye peered over the edge of the roof as she crossed her arms, her face livid. “…Hey, honey!”
“OH, DON’T YOU ‘HEY, HONEY’ ME!” she growled, her eyes on Scout as he grinned down at her. “WHY THE HELL IS MY TODDLER ON MY ROOF… PISSING DOWN ON MY PATIO?!” she asked as both men cleared their throats and scrambled to move to the ladder on the side, their eyes wide.
“Aw, Ali, we were playin…” Trapper said, glancing over at her as she fumed.
“Ali, he IS potty training…” Hawkeye said as Trapper stared at him and shook his head.
“BEN, THIS IS NOT POTTY TRAINING!”
“Sure, it is!” Hawkeye said, grinning as he held Scout out, the boy naked from the waist down as Trapper blinked. “He’s not in his diaper! Progress, honey!”
“BENJAMIN!”
“Ok! We were screwing around!” Hawkeye said, his eyes widening as he helped Scout get his pants on, then helped him to Trapper once he was down the ladder, Trapper helping to get the boy off the roof. “I had to take a leak and decided to just… GO… and HE thought it was HILARIOUS… so Trap did it… and we made a GAME of it!” Hawkeye said, coming down after Scout as Ali moved over to Scout, frowning as Scout grinned.
“Pee in snow!” Scout grinned as Ali glared up at Hawkeye, who gave her a sheepish grin.
“So… we may have taken it a HAIR too far.” He said, Ali gesturing at Scout with a nod.
“You think!?”
“Ali, it’s not like he’s gonna do it all the time, honey!” Hawkeye said, setting Scout down and letting him roam as he sheepishly grinned down at Ali, warming his hands. “I swear, we were watching him VERY closely…”
“You had NO business having him on that roof ANYHOW!” she said, her eyes furious as he winced.
“And I’m realizing that… I honestly figured the snow would buffer any falls, honey…” he said as Ali stared, her eyes wide. “ALI, I grew UP here… the snow here is a HELL of a pillow… I used to jump off the garage into the snow piles ALL the time…”
“Oh, NOW a few things make sense.” She said as he blinked, then pointed at her.
“Hey!”
“YOU HAD OUR TODDLER ON THE ROOF USING IT LIKE A LATRINE, BEN!”
“HE WON’T DO IT AGAIN!” Hawkeye said, then glanced around. “…Where’d he go, anyhow…”
“DADA! SCOUT PEE IN SNOW!!”
Ali’s head whipped around to see Scout on her snowed-covered lawn chair, pants GONE, hopping around again and just free-peeing in the wind as Trapper snorted with laughter, Lila smacking him in his head.
“You shut up, idiot.” Lila hissed as he snickered. “YOU did that.”
“It’s FUNNY, Lila!”
“SHUT IT!” Lila hissed, covering Amelia’s eyes as Ali glared at Hawkeye, who was swooping in to grab Scout, trying hard not to laugh.
“Ok, Buddy… all done!” he said, taking a breath and staring as Scout grinned.
“I DOES IT!”
“Yeah, you did…” Hawkeye said, glancing at Ali, who was narrowing her eyes. “But your Mama’s gonna KILL me…”
“SCOUT GOES POTTY!” Scout squealed as Hawkeye whimpered a laugh, then cleared his throat, nodding.
“We saw, pal… now…where’d you put your pants?”
Ali just stood there, her arms crossed, and her eyes narrowed into slits as Scout cheesed at his father, who was sinking further and further into the hole he had dug for himself. “…I hope he pees on you.” Ali said, her eyes on Hawkeye as he bit his lips to keep from laughing.
“H-Honey, help me find his pants?” Hawkeye asked, his eyes slightly pleading as Ali stared, bug-eyed… and blinked.
“…You did NOT just ask me to help you find the BOY-WONDER here’s PANTS!? Find them yourself, Batman!”
“Don’t be like that!” Hawkeye said, glancing around as he stared into the snow. “Damn, Scout… the hell’d you PUT them… Trap… give me a hand?” he asked as Trapper went to move forward… but Lila stopped him, shaking her head.
“…You do it and you’ll be makin’ nice with your hand for a week.”
“…Sorry Hawk…”
Hawkeye sputtered, then looked at Scout, who was grinning. “Pal, hey… where’s your britches?” he asked, pointing at his legs as Scout grinned.
“Scout go pee!”
“Yeah, we saw that. Good job going potty, pal… But… Scout needs his pants… to go get a snack!” Hawkeye said, grinning as Scout nodded, then pointed to a snow-pile under their patio table, where a lump had been shoved in.
“…’Dere.”
“Thanks, pal! Daddy’ll get you an extra cookie!” Hawkeye grinned, moving to the lump and grabbing the pants, shaking them out and trying to put them on as Scout let out a yelp.
“DADA! COLD!”
“Well! You shouldn’t have tossed them in the snow!” Hawkeye said as Scout frowned, shaking his head.
“NO!”
“Mommy said you gotta put your pants back on…” Hawkeye said as Ali shrugged, glancing at Lila and mouthing at her,
“I never said that…”
“NO! IS COLD!”
“Come on… just for a minute, and then we’ll get you in warm clothes inside…”
Scout refused, and with a glare he grabbed a handful of snow… and shoved it in Hawkeye’s face, shaking his head and yelling, “NO!” again, then darting through the snow again, towards the house, his bottom half stark-naked as Hawkeye let out a yelp, Trapper bursting into laughter.
Ali’s lips pressed together as she snickered, and she grinned over at Hawkeye, shaking her head. “I never said to put his ice-cold pants back on him, you doofus.” She grinned as he blinked. “I said FIND his pants.” Ali said, then darted after Scout, calling after him. “Scout, my little love, come here before you freeze that off! Let’s get some warm clothes on and get you some cocoa!” she snorted, coming up behind the toddler and scooping him up as he blinked, then curled into her, grinning and rubbing his face into her chest happily.
“Mama! Scout goes potty!” he squealed as she nodded, sighing.
“I saw… but you’re supposed to do that IN the potty, not outside like a wolf.” She said, shaking her head as she brought him inside… Lila shaking her head and bringing a giggling Amelia inside behind them.
“Dada all wet!” Amelia grinned as Lila nodded.
“Yep. He got all wet and covered in snow.” Lila said, snickering as she led Amelia in, Trapper helping Hawkeye up as he huffed.
“C’mon, Hawk… Let’s go get warm with the girls and the heathens.” Trapper grinned as Hawkeye snorted, nodding and brushing the snow off himself.
“Yep. I gotta go help get Scout all warm anyhow… or I’ll be in the doghouse for a week…” Hawkeye said, wincing as Trapper snickered.
Fiendish Fan Fiction 